I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. Really. Just didn’t have internet at my new place for a couple of weeks.
But now I do. Life is good. I have a great job, a beautiful apartment of my very own, and internet at home. And as of last night, little stick-on plastic hooks for my kitchen towels. Yes, very essential.
In other news, the spammers have gotten very clever. Check out the mugging post now, it’s raining platitudes.
A few months back, must have been in the fall, I had an encounter of the, er, weird kind. So I was at CVS at 7 am one morning and very groggy, as I was there to pick up some very needed Diet Coke. And this dude comes up to me and asks, “Is your boyfriend Tom Cruise?”
Me: “Excuse me?” (not so sure that he just said what he said, and still, as mentioned, quite groggy)
Dude: “Is your boyfriend Tom Cruise?”
Me: “Oh no, that’s not me, you must have me mistaken for someone else.”
That someone else being Katie Holmes, whom I have been compared to since her Dawson’s days. Not that I minded so much until she became CTC’s (Crazy Tom Cruise) puppet. But this dude sincerely thought that I was her. Never mind that you wouldn’t see her in an ever-stylish Ugg-and-pajama ensemble at a CVS on the south side of Chicago. Also never mind that I’m short enough to make her Xenu midget of a husband look almost man-sized.
Well.
This should put a stop to it for a while.
Hot nights mean very bizarre dreams, and last night was no exception. I give you last night’s very disturbing dream:
So in this dream, Dione wants to have another child, but it’s taking her many tries to conceive (oddly, I don’t recall her having a husband or boyfriend in the dream, so maybe it was artificial insemination). Anyway, she had a stockpile of pregnancy tests, and just for fun I took one . . . and it came out positive. Which was really odd, because in the dream I hadn’t had sex in a very long while and had I been thinking clearly I’d have realized that I’d had at least one (probably a few) periods since my last, er, opportunity to conceive. But I was not thinking clearly at all, and I’m flipping out because even though I want kids one day, currently I am in no way stable enough to support a child. So eventually I calm myself down for long enough to go to Planned Parenthood, to explore my options, and guess what? I take their pregnancy test and it’s negative. And I actually find that I’m a bit let down by the news.
I’m a bit afraid to explore what all of this might mean; is it a premonition of sorts? Not about a child, necessarily, but about anything else that’s both a gift and a burden. That that something might be dangled in front of me and then taken away, and only when it’s gone do I realize that I want it. Not that I have any clue what that something might be. Anybody? Bueller?
Because I really don’t want to pack:
1] What was the highlight of your week? Signing my new lease!
2] Who’s car were you in last? Amy’s
3] When is the next time you will kiss someone? I’ll let it be a pleasant surprise 
4] What color shirt are you wearing? electric blue
5] How long is your hair? Pretty long, well below the shoulder when the humidity doesn’t have it just going out rather than down!
6] Best thing someone has said to you in the past year: “I don’t know if, at 23, I could have done what you’re doing.”
7] Worst thing someone has said to you in the past year: “I’ll shoot you in the head right now.” - yeah, that one kind of sucked
8] Last movie you watched? Dodgeball
9] Last thing you ate? popcorn
10] Last thing you drank? Diet Coke
11] Where did you sleep last night? in my bed
12] Where are you going to sleep tonight? in my bed
13] Are you happy right now? sure
14] What did you say last? aloud? “Good night, thanks!”
15] Where is your phone? to my left
16] What is the last alcoholic drink you had? a wine cooler last night (don’t you knw, they’re cool again or something)
17] What color are your eyes? hazel
18] What color is your hair? brown
19] Who did you visit last? MissGee
20] When was the last time you had your heart broken? can’t pinpoint the exact moment
21] Who/what do you hate/dislike currently? Not too thrilled with a couple of my students at the moment, one of whom I just discovered has been campaigning to get me fired since before I was even hired. Not that it’s working, but apparently she’s mad that instead of her favorite staff going full-time, they hired me instead.
22] What are you listening to? nothing right now
23] If you could have one thing right now what would it be? All of my stuff magically packed and moved
24] What is your favorite scent? good food
25] Who makes you happiest right now? peace and quiet!
26] What were you doing at midnight last night? getting ready for bed
27] What time are you going to bed tonight? 11ish, I have an early shift tomorrow
28] Coolest thing you did today? Not a whole lot just yet
29] Did you have a New Year’s Resolution? Nope, I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions.
30] Are you left-handed? righty
31] Spell your first name without vowels: rn
32] Spell your middle name without vowels: Nl
33] Spell your last name without vowels: Lbff
34] What’s for dinner tonight? I have no idea
35] When Is Your Birthday? December 9th
36] Who was the last person to send you a text message? T-mobile trying to advertise something
37] Who was the last person you sent a text message to? Sent myself a picture message
38] Last time you went swimming in a pool? Two summers ago
39] Last time you were in a swimsuit? Went to the beach about a month ago.
40] How do you feel about your hair right now? When it feels like behaving, I love it; most of the time it has a nice beachy wave, and it’s pretty long right now which I like. When the humidity gets too out of control, though, I have distinct visions of Monica in the Barbados episode. Not cute.
41] Do you have any expensive jewelry? Not really
42] AIM or MSN? AIM
43] Have you ever been “that girl”? *confused* you mean like the other woman? if that’s the case then no.
44] Are you married? No
45] Do you have children? No
46] Where does most of your family live? New Jersey
47] Are you an only child or do you have siblings? One little sister
48] Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? Not really
49] What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? *groan*
50] Do you drink beer? Nope, don’t like the taste
51] Do you smoke? No
52] Myspace or Facebook? Both of my profiles are looking pretty neglected at the moment.
53] Do you have T-Mobile? yes
54] What is your favorite subject in school? Psych, Drama, Math
55] What are you doing? listening to my stomach growl because the thought of any of the food that I have in the house makes me sick and I just want an omelette! But I don’t want to get up, let alone buy ingredients or cook anything.
56] What are you doing tomorrow? Work and packing
57] Do you have any talents? I’d be a triple threat if I could sing.
58] Have you ever been IN a wedding? No
59] Do you have any pets? No
60] Did you take a nap today? no
61] What color are your underoos today? blue
62] Ever met anyone famous before? Yep, met Jennifer Aniston, Aisha Tyler, and Justin Long, and sort of encountered but didn’t properly meet Vince Vaughn and Lupe Fiasco.
63] Do you want to be famous one day? Entertained the possibility, but not really.
64] Favorite Actor(s)? If you know me at all you know my answer to this one
65] What is the last thing you look a picture of? Pictures on people’s blogs
66] Could you handle being in the military? I’d say no.
67] What is your average cell phone bill? no idea
68] Do you believe in Karma? yeah
69] Last time you went to the gym or worked out? Oddly enough it’s been a while.
70] How many pairs of shoes do you own? Lost count ages ago, but most of them are flip-flops.
71) Last place you drove your car to? n/a, don’t have a car
72] Ever been to Las Vegas? Yeah . . . with my parents when I was 15! So clearly I partied hard.
73] Have you ever lived in a two story? yeah
74] Have you ever been gambling? no
75] When is the last time you updated your blog? Before this one, I last updated this blog on Tuesday and my Jen blog yesterday.
76] Have you been to New York City? Yeah, I grew up with it in my backyard so I used to go all the time.
77] Ever been to Disneyland/World? Both
78] Do you have a favorite cartoon character? Idk, I kind of loved them all
79] Last thing you cooked? A breakfast sandwich yesterday (microwaving counts, right?)
80] Hows the weather? Sunny and 70
81] Do you e-mail? All the time!
82] Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? Had it in my hand one particular evening in April; the rest is history.
83] Last time you were sick? Had a bit of a cold a couple of weeks ago.
84] Do you think anyone will repost this? Maybe
In their infinite cuteness, they asked if I’m available on the 19th to work on The Express. What will I be doing on the 19th? Well, if I’m lucky all of my belongings will have made the transition from one apartment to another (if not I’ll still be on that), and I will most definitely be wanted at Tippy Toes, if not the O-School. At any rate, a moment of downtime will be a guilty pleasure during that week, let alone an entire day not committed to the objectives of work, moving, and other assorted crap.
Sooooo I basically told them that I can’t work on the project at all. And it has nothing to do with their hair weirdness or the fact that the best they can do is Dennis Quaid (call me a snob, but he’s no Vince and definitely no Jen). It’s got everything to do with the fact that at this moment in time, I am working 60 hours a week. Count ‘em, 60. Plus I have a move coming up, which alone should warrant an entire week off and yet doesn’t in reality. So seriously, this project? Just. not. happening.
So the other day, I was handing out Tippy Toes flyers, and came across a few rather interesting characters:
- A total Trixie type parks her BMW in front of a fire hydrant (at a corner, no less) and prances into Starbucks, totally oblivious to the meter maid right behind her. So then she looks out the window and sees the beginnings of a brand-spanking new ticket with her name on it, so she runs out and calls the meter maid a “little shit” and somehow cites the fact that she drives a BMW as a reason why she shouldn’t get a ticket. Flips her off several times as well. The meter maid (my personal hero) proceeds to give her the ticket, and artfully dodges the coffee that Trixie throws at her. She is also not shy about stating the obvious, that Trixie can clearly afford to pay the ticket, as well as for the wasted $4 latte. So Trixie blocks the intersection arguing as a police car stands in wait, and then as soon as she finishes arguing, the police car pulls her over riiiiight down the road. Kinda wish I’d seen that . . . or maybe not. Either way, I think that an inflated sense of entitlement is equal to intoxication where road safety is concerned.
- Then, this car full of barely conscious hipster types cuts the corner and knocks over a real estate open house sign. Oh, they noticed all right, and this warranted all of a “whoa, duuuuude” from one of the passengers. Aaaand they carry on their merry little way.
- Then, the piece de resistance. I start to flyer on a residential street, and these dudes pull up. I’m handing a flyer to a man with a stroller, and the guys are like, “We want one too!” And all the while, they’re being loud and obnoxious and their car stereo is blaring some tune with a lyric about “to meet a pretty girl” or something. So maybe I shouldn’t have been so shocked when after I handed them flyers, they tried to get hugs! (not that I consider myself a “pretty girl”, but they didn’t exactly seem the discerning type). I promptly pulled away and walked away with the quickness, but apparently they love Tippy Toes anyway. Great.
So the other day, I saw a Suspicious Clowns poster and realized that I haven’t thought about this guy whom I’ll call Raging Bull in quite some time. And oddly enough, I didn’t see him on the Suspicious Clowns poster either, which was interesting because back when Amy was dating him, he was totally all about that. An explanation (truth is stranger than fiction):
So about 2 years ago, my friend Amy started dating Raging Bull. He’s an actor/comedian/whatever who fancies himself to be hilarious. Even his voice mail message was obnoxiously cartoonish. He was a member of comic troupe Suspicious Clowns, and always had these wild designs on what he was going to do next. One such project that never, ever came to fruition was a one-man show for which he claimed that he would gain 40 pounds and shave his head (no idea why he’d have to do that, but he kept saying it). The show never happened, but he surely liked to talk about how committed he was to his art.
To say that his relationship with Amy had its ups and downs is the understatement of the year. It started with the status quo stuff, like him being mildly controlling, whatever. Then there were periods where we just wouldn’t see Amy for a while. She took breaks from him and came back to the real world for a bit, then went back to him and was promptly consumed once more.
Then, Raging Bull, for no apparent reason, pulled a totally bullshit move that just. isn’t. done. So Amy disappears for a bit, and when she emerges, she says that Raging Bull might be very sick. OK, so standard-issue sympathies commence, what have you, as he tells us that his doctor suspects that he might have colon cancer. The asshole was faking it. The sick son of a bitch used a fake illness to manipulate Amy into staying with him. And the most fucked-up part is that he did this knowing that Amy’s dad is a colon cancer survivor. That’s who caught him, in fact; they got to talking about diagnosis, treatment, and Bull didn’t know a fucking thing.
Wonder where he’s burning these days . . .
To the pharmaceutical companies that spam my mugging post: Much as I appreciate your concern, Viagra won’t make my septum any less deviated. Thanks though!
As of June 15, I will officially have my own place! It’s a studio, not palacial, but pretty nice for the price. And it will be all mine. No roommates, no freak show pets, no mysterious smells. Just my own newly renovated apartment. It’s like I’m a grownup or something 
